Dear Diary,

One time, I was totally content with my life, without a care in the world. Then I started browsing Mr Porter and realized I am poor and have the ugliest clothes ever. For those of you not familiar, Mr Porter is a glamourous luxury website where all the clothing costs $400,000 and is completely necessary if you want to continue living. My latest thing is looking at jackets, because after months of languishing in the hot summer heat of Los Angeles, trapped in multi-million dollar infinity pools at hilltop estates, it’s finally cold here. Some see fall as an opportunity to drink apple cider and do white people stuff like apple picking. But what’s really important about fall is that you get to wear fall clothing. Which means it’s time for a new jacket or coat to balance out the wardrobe. Here are a few I want right now, some from Mr Porter, some from more affordable sources.

Neppy Denim Quilted Bomber, Top Shop, $80

Black Leather Hooded Jacket, TopMan, $210

J. Lindeberg Hooded Down Jacket, ASOS, $450

Band of Outsiders, Mr Porter, $1650

Superdry Duffle Jacket, ASOS, $345

Dolce & Gabbana Shearling Collar Leather Jacket, Mr Porter, $3545

Lyle & Scott Vintage Jacket, ASOS, $414

Jacket, H&M, $59

Leather Quilted Yoke Hoodie, Top Man, $210

WESC Hooded Pac A Mac, ASOS, $150

I’ll take one of each.

Thanks,
Orlando

Dear Diary,

Every year when fall arrives, I get the sudden urge to stop working for the rest of the year, put on some ugly-yet-cozy sweat pants and woolen socks, and continually eat soup whilst watching Anjelica Houston movies, clutching my heart locket close to my breast as I think about that special someone. Something about the change in weather, the perpetual darkness, and the knowledge that the holidays are coming makes me incredibly lazy. I drink tea and think about the future, drink Diet Hansens soda and think about the past, and spend hours worrying about how I am going to get a decorate for Christmas without seeming too ladylike in front of my boyfriend. Then I come back to reality. Daddy gotz to pay the bills! I have to work. But I’m lucky lately that all my projects are so much fun and that I like my job so much. If I had a boring job I’d definitely spend all day chewing on pencils, reading poorly-written celebrity gossip, and eating Trader Joe’s Seaweed Snack.

(Quick warning: all the photos below are ones I shot myself, I’m having these projects professionally shot by glamourphotographer Stephen Busken soon and I’ll share those superior photographs when I get them).

My client Jon’s place is almost done, so it’s getting to the fun part where I get to fill it with tons of cool-looking stuff he doesn’t need. Here are some shelves I just added. It’s tough to find affordable shelving (I’d rather spend money on stuff to put in them). These are Vittsjö and they’re $70. Not too shabby for all this space. I am thinking of buying them to store all the books I used to be smart enough to read. The fiddle leaf fig is from Mickey’s Plants, which I can’t complement enough. It’s my favorite nursery in Los Angeles, mainly because the service is so good and they replanted all the plants I bought for free and I never had to get my hands dirty.

When decorating, do you ever run into the problem of where to put your Emmy? Jon, who writes and produces TV shows, has like 75 writing awards and I have no idea where to put them that doesn’t seem obnoxious. This is a total LA problem. They are such beautiful sculptures but it seems showy to put them in prominent places. It seems like they should just go in the office or somewhere more discreet. But then it’s like “Hey, he won them fair and square so why can’t we just put them on the mantle?” I tried Jon’s Emmy next to this awesome Noguchi Akari Light Sculpture from OK, but it looked too ridiculous, as if the little gold lady was worshipping the Noguchi Lamp (Sidenote: she should, I’m obsessed with Noguchi).

In other news I love this “Pop Culture” sign I found at Rose Bowl a few months ago.

Jon likes to stand while he writes, so I got him this great tall table from CB2. It’s called the Vice and it’s $449. The Industrial Stool was $179 from West Elm.

And who could forget this gross dresser that was reborn as a green piece of glamour? I paired it with these crazy tall lamps from St. Vincent de Paul ($20 each)

The art is a mid-century architectural drawing Emily and I found at the Long Beach Flea Market.

This is a crazy painted headboard I made. It’s two 4′ x 8′ wood panels, hand-painted with a paint-by-numbers design I customized. I’m not satisfied with the bedding right now, but once I swap it out the whole situation is going to be a lot dreamier.

This is a chair I reupholstered in a chunky grey linen (see the barfy before picture below):

Here is what the chair looked like before. Greowss. It was $19.99 at St. Vincent de Paul.

I replaced Jon’s chandelier with the Staggered Chandelier from West Elm. It’s on sale right now for $243.99 which means you totally should buy it. Put down that hot dog, get in the car, and go buy it. Right now.

The captain chairs are Preben Chairs from Ikea. $119. The grey drapes are Aina from Ikea. $49.99. The mid-century chairs are from ModCrib ($450 set of 4) and the table is from HD Buttercup ($950).

This is Jon’s living room. The sofa is from Blueprint ($1199). The chair is vintage reupholstered. The coffee table is from TINI ($350).

This is the entry way. I made the “The End” art by adding vinyl lettering to a vintage seascape print.

Jon had this cool French Beatles poster. The Morten Table Lamp is from West Elm.

I kind of want to steal this brass console table. It’s from Wertz Brothers for $299.

Meanwhile, in another part of La-La Land, I have another set of clients. I’m going to call them the La Habras, because that’s how my boyfriend and I refer to them. They are a super cute family that live in the hills above a city in the Southland. They live in a tastefully renovated Spanish style home that I secretly want to move into without telling them. And then one day I’d just walk downstairs for breakfast and hope they didn’t notice I was there. They’re great people with great taste so working with them is fun.

Anyhoo, onto the furniture I found for them. Firstly, this gross ottoman:

I got it for $250 at Danish Modern NoHo. I had it upholstered in green velvet from Home Fabrics.

We found this beauty lady for $375 at Danish Modern NoHo as well. I loved it in the gold but it was the same color as the carpet in the room where it lives so we had to change it to a delightful navy blue (see below).

Don’t you want to take this whole sofa and shove it in your mouth? I love it in this vintage floral, but we needed to update it a little for the house (I didn’t want it to look like a set from “Mad Men”) so we changed it to navy blue. Shocker, huh?

The final product is kind of a miracle. Getting rid of the pattern exposed the beautiful architecture of the sofa. The sofa was originally $650 from Danish Modern NoHo and fabric and upholstery added about $1200. About the same price as your run-of-the-mill store-bought sofa, but this one is unique and no one else (in the WORLD) has it.

These chairs are for the sunroom, where the La Habras like to watch television.

The chairs come from Danish Modern NoHo ($450 for the pair) and looked like this before:

This is an awesome captain’s cabinet the family bought previously. I went by their house over the weekend and we tried it out in every possible location before finally settling on the music room. I kind of wanted to hide it under my jacket and run to my car, cackling all the way home. I love how hefty and beautiful it is (it reminds me of myself as a youth).

Finally, a note about my most annoying client. Myself. I found this chandelier at Rose Bowl over the weekend and miraculously installed it myself in my dining room. There is a tutorial at The Brick House about how you can make your own but I got mine for $240 so I figured once I’d bought all the materials I wouldn’t have saved much money. Installation was pretty easy except for the part where I got stressed out and screamed “I COULD DIE!” at my boyfriend, who was diligently trying to work in the next room. Aside from the stress of getting electrocuted, killing yourself, and burning down your entire building, installing your own lighting is relatively simple. I learned how to do it from this Youtube video.

At the end of the day, I’m thankful I get to stare at pretty things all day and deal with nice people. If I didn’t I’d be sitting alone eating Thanksgiving turkey all day, pretending it was the holidays and thus okay to be a lazy disgusting pig.

Love,

Orlando

Dear Readers,

I have a pile of vintage crates in my room where I store my sweaters and jeans. It looks kind of like this except not at all because my pile of crates is totally ugly and lame and this one is, like, totally cool:

Anyway, this morning I awoke and stared at my stupid pile of crates. And then I turned to those crates and said “Hey, Crates. You suck and you’re ugly.” To which The Crates responded “Hey, you’re ugly too! If you hate us so much then why don’t you grow up and buy a dresser like a real man!” And I was like “FINE! Maybe I will. And then you’ll be sorry. When you’re in the TRASH. You stupid Crates.” Like Victoria Beckham is in need of a sandwich, I am in desperate need of a dresser. But what to buy? With all the frilly antiques out there, it’s not always easy to find a dresser fit for a dude. I’ve been searching the flea markets to no avail, but I did find some nice ones on the good ol’ internetz. Wanna see what I found? Keep reading! Except you, Crates. You can go straight to hell.

Modcrib LA Mid Century High Boy, $400
This one might be my favorite. I love that it’s a square (like me!) and that it has little brass  shoes on.

Organic Modernism Siena Dresser, $1145
This one is very simple and wide. Like your mom.

West Elm Boerum Dresser, $699
This one is nearly as handsome, masculine, and woodsy as I am. However, I’d add some hardware to it. Perhaps some brass knobs or something to give it a little spice.

Ikea Sveio, $249
I’d also want to add knobs to this one, but it’s a great design for such a good price. I’ve caressed it many-a-time in Ikea, but never bought it home with me because I’m holding out for something vintage.

Room & Board Grove Dresser, $2499
A friend of mine bought this for her Upper West Side apartment and I thought it was classic without feeling retro. And the wood is a very pretty color that’s not too orange, not too blue.

Empiric Mid-Century Dresser, $2525
The white on this piece gives a little update to an otherwise classic piece.

Cisco Home Genet Dresser, Price Upon Request
This one is a little ladylike, but sometimes it’s good to have some feminine to balance the masculine in a bedroom. And by “sometimes” I mean “always.”

Ikea Nyvoll, $299
This is another bargain from Ikea. Emily used it in the Lake House and I loved it there. A pretty good go-to for a brand new dresser that wont bust your budget.

Blueprint Logan Double Dresser, $999
Great for a modern space. Also super pretty wood color. Gimme.

ABC Home Fresco Double Dresser, $995
A lot of the time people think white is just for girls. But I disagree. I like this for a man’s bedroom because of its strong shape and great scale.

Dwell Studio Pierre Dresser, $3750
This is by far the kookiest dresser, but that makes me want it the most.

Empiric 2243 Dresser, $2585
And finally, how could you say no to that hardware? If this were mind I’d be opening and closing my drawers all day, just so that I could touch that brass glamour.

While many people will be making New Years Resolutions about reconnecting with their families and losing the 85 lbs they gained during the holidays (or was that just me?), I plan on making a more important and meaningful resolution. I will be resolving to finally get another dresser. I will rid my room of those cursed Crates. If it’s the last thing I do.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Everyone,

Are you looking for something sculptural, unique, and beautiful for your home? Are you tired of boring normalpillows, with their boring normalpillow shape? If so, let me introduce you to Andrew Yes. He looks like this:

Andrew is a friend of mine who lives in New York, where he works as an interior designer and a visual artist. You can see some of his wonderful work on his website. Recently, he started producing a line of beautiful products, including the fantastic spherical pillows shown below. They are a great accent for the sofa, the bed, or the floor and will keep people wondering “is that, like, a toy or a pillow?” Here is a selection of my favorites from his online store (you can view the entire collection here):

Rose Tapestry Pillow Ball, $375

This is one of my favorites, and the floral pattern is abstracted that it could totally work in a man-apartment. Also, I’m dying for this ottoman:

Rose Tapestry Ottoman, $1990

Space Rock Pillow Ball, $375

This is perfect for a modern space, or a little kid’s bedroom.

The next four appeal to my love of 90z color and pattern:

Botanic Pillow Ball, $325

Full Spectrum Pillow Ball, $375

Fire Ball Pillow Ball, $375

Stitch Pillow Ball, $375

Oh pretty Stitch pillow, made of soft ivory fabric with gentle stitch detail. If I were to be smothered by any pillow, I hope it would be you. Did I just take that too far?

Dots Pillow Ball, $275

Blue Star Stripe Pillow Ball, $275

Blue + stripes + sphere = my three favorite things together. Thus, I want to put it on my face.

Aqua Batik Pillow Ball, $275

Gold Pillow Ball, $325

It’s a sphere. A gold sphere. You need this. I need this. I’m serious.

French Sangria Pillow Ball, $385

These are playful and Tim Burton-esque, which is probably why I love them. I’d put these in a kid’s room or a super pop loft space.

There you have it. The most exciting pillows on the market. I plan on getting a few for my apartment.  One for the living room and one for the bed. It’s good to have some round shapes (aside from my post-holiday body) to counterbalance all the rectangles everywhere.

Love,

Orlando

Dear My Family,

This year marked an important milestone for us, our last Christmas in Yosemite. For those out there that don’t know this FunFact, I was raised within the confines of America’s first preserved natural space, Yosemite National Park (yes, inside the park boundaries, my parents worked there). Every Christmas in my memory has been the same. My family always gathered at my parents’ house to eat too much, drink too much, and then go on long, guilty walks to work off that post-holiday fat feeling. This year we lucked out with a ton of snow, which always contributes to a Merrier Christmas. Because I grew up in the snow, I’ve never been comfortable with the snowless Christmases we have down here in LA. There’s something off-putting about decorating your tree when it’s 80 degrees outside (which I have done multiple times).

Next year, my parents will be leaving the house I grew up in. In all honesty, I’m not super excited about their move, I’m going to miss our house and Yosemite. But next year will bring new opportunities and experiences to our family. Also, they’re moving to Sonoma County so at least I’ll still have a pretty place to visit. Below are some images of Yosemite as I saw it over the many winters I spent there. It’s truly a magical place and I high suggest you spend a winter holiday there sometime.

This is our street, covered in snow.

My car, which didn’t like the snow as much as I did.

Our house (if you look hard you can see Yosemite Falls in the background).

The street where I grew up.

Our neighbor’s adorable house.

The Merced River.

Yosemite Falls. How much do you love those pine trees? Their foliage looks like pom-poms.

Our little walking path, complete with split-rail fencing.

The old apple orchard near my house. When Yosemite was first founded, the settlers had livestock and farmed. Clearly, the agriculture went against the natural preservation of the park so it was later removed, but back then it was a long horse ride (or hike) into the valley so it made sense to grow food up there.

Big chunky flakes of snow falling from the sky.

What I feel like on the inside when big chunky flakes of snow fall from the sky.

Creeping clouds mingle with Yosemite Falls.

The small grammar school I attended.

Our neighbor’s back yard.

The bay laurel tree is native to Yosemite, you can see one from our dining room. Its leaves are great for soup. Or tea if you like gross tea that tastes like bay leaves (my boyfriend does, I don’t get it).

Even in Yosemite, you can wear gay jeans and homosexual sunglasses (In my defense, this picture is five years old. Just kidding there is no defense for that outfit. I hate myself).

My sister and me at the Ahwahnee Hotel, which always has glorious holiday decorations (see below).

The chapel where my brother got married. In related news, my sister can’t get married to her (female) fiance there because only unions sanctioned by the US government are allowed at the park’s only chapel. Rude.

A few more Merced River shots:

And finally, this Ansel Adams image (entitled “El Capitan in Winter).

This image captures perfectly what winter in Yosemite means to me. Beauty. Wonder. Tradition. I’ll miss all of these things when my parents move away. But at least I’ll have these photographs to remember them by. Here’s to a New Year of making new memories in new places. New places like Sonoma County, where they have lots of delicious wine. And to a new year of being thankful for the memories I’ve spent my life creating.

2013 or bust!

Love,
Orlando

Dear Gays,

Are you, like me, still hungover from celebrating New Years? Did you mean to have tons of resolutions this year, but now you’re too braindead and irritated to think of any? Well you’re in luck, because I’ve taken the liberty of thinking of some resolutions for you. Living by these rules will bring you much success (and a man!) in 2013. I promise.

1. Go on a weird diet that freaks everyone out.

Whatever your body composition is, why not change it up for 2013? If, like me, you went a little crazy with eating and drinking during the holiday season, it’s time to go on a terrifying diet that will cause everyone around you to think you’re totally anorexic. And then you’ll be like “No I’m not!” (While chewing on a celery stick, wondering how many calories are in it). I tried this Crazy Vegetable-Based Diet a few months ago and it totally worked. The one downside was that it filled me with uncontrollable rage, but it was worth it because afterwards I looked like this guy (Kind of. Not really):

Ok, maybe I didn’t look exactly like that guy. But how much does that picture make you want to run on the beach in a Speedo? It seems pretty unjust that we live in world where we have to work and stuff when really we should all be running half-naked in the warm sun. Speaking of which, Warm Sun? Are you there? I miss you. Unfortunately, after I did that Crazy Vegetable- Based Diet, I ate my feelings at Christmas and now I feel like this:

Which is fine, just another reason to go on a weird diet so that I, like Oprah, can inspire people to get in shape.

For those of you who already have the perfect body, why not try being obese in 2013? This way you can see what life is like for the rest of us and why everyone hates you. And then you can get skinny again and your newfound humility will make you more attractive and finally a man will fall in love with you and you will be happy. Because happiness is dependent on a man loving you. Trust me, I learned this from watching movies based on Jane Austen novels.

2. Stack your phones.

I’d never heard of this practice until I was schooled by my sister and her posse of awesome San Francisco Lesbians (the best kind).  Here’s how Phone Stacking works. When you are at dinner with friends, your lover, or a rich relative that you tricked into taking you to a fancy restaurant, you stack your phones and promise not to touch them for the remainder of the meal. Some groups even impose penalties on those who fail to leave their phone in the stack (i.e. they have to buy a round of drinks or give everyone $100). Being that half my social interactions involve me sitting in a room with other people staring into other screens whilst ignoring each other, I love the idea of stacking phones and showing those you are with they are worthy of your attention.

3. Stop comparing yourself to other people. 

Every time my boyfriend and I get ready to go to the Gay Beach and or a Gay Beach-Themed pool party, I put on my favorite tank top and I’m ready to go. Then I see my boyfriend is wearing an even tinier tank top in an even brighter/more exciting color than mine. So then I put on a tinier/brighter tank top. Then he sees that and puts on an even tinier/brighter tank top. This goes on until we are wearing nothing but threads and basically look like homeless male prostitutes.

The moral of the story is to stop wanting what everyone else has. The more you compare yourself with other people the more you’re going to get frustrated by what they have that you don’t. Keep in mind that they are probably jealous of something you have. And if they’re not, they should be. Your hair has been looking really good lately. If you must compare yourself to other people, make sure you’re comparing yourself with those who are  inferior to you.

4. Take pride in your home and make it beautiful.

Photo by Stephen Busken

Taking pride in your home means that you take pride in your life. If you allow your space to be cluttered and unconsidered, you are telling yourself you’re not worth anything better. Either that or you are just lazy. It should be everyone’s resolution not to be lazy this year. Thus, make a point to do something to your space to make it beautiful. Paint a room. Buy a new rug. Make a giant drawing and hang it above the sofa. Do something to show yourself that you deserve to be surrounded by beautiful things. If decorating your place sounds scary, boring, or annoying, hire one of these homosexuals to do it for you:

(Pictured above are yours truly and Internationally Renowned Interior Designer Matthew Lanphier).

If the idea of a homosexual decorating your house fills you with Gay Panic, hire a blonde girl with really big hair:

Emily Henderson

5. Do cute stuff with your Boyfriend (or Pretend Boyfriend) and take pictures of it.

As gay men, we don’t have a lot of cute couple role models. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris and his husband are ridiculously adorable. But is that all we get? I see tons of cute pictures of my straight couple friends all over Facebook. But rarely do I see cute gay guys canoodling each other or cooking dinner. And I want to. This means if you’re part of a gay couple, it is your duty to represent yourself. Do it for the children, but more importantly do it for me. Looking at pictures of cute gay couples fulfills me almost as much as looking at pictures of Ricky Martin lounging on the beach with his babies:

6. Get off Facebook.

Ok, I seriously doubt this is going to happen but I really wish it would. What happens on Facebook? Nothing. Facebook is an endless stream of information from gay hookers, people who hated you in high school, and strangers who want to wear your skin as a dress. I know this, and I hate it, but how many hours do I spend on it every day? 19. Why am I doing this to myself? This will be the year that I permanently delete my account. Just as soon as I update my status one more time…

7. Respect your ElderGays.

Freddie Mercury

Face it, our gay elders had way cooler clothes than us, they fought for rights and privileges we enjoy, and they did it all whilst battling a terrifying disease that killed all their friends. Befriend older gay guys. They’re more interesting than you and me and they have tons of great stories. And money.

8. Don’t wait until you’ve had seven vodka drinks to address issues with friends and loved ones.

Remember that one time you waited until you were black out drunk to tell your best friend that you’d secretly been in love with him for six years? And then somehow you ended up fistfighting his current boyfriend in the back yard of a multimillion dollar Hollywood Hills estate? And then you woke up the next morning on top of a car wearing nothing but your super cheesy Aussie Bum undies and a party hat?

Here’s a thought, maybe you should have had that conversation when you were sober. That way, you could have expressed your feelings without acting like a total weirdo. Like me, you should feel free to talk about your feelings to whomever will listen. Even if their ears start bleeding and the run screaming from you after you’ve talked their ears off for 45 minutes about how your grandma always called you fat.

9. Grow a beard.

Because why not? They look hot. Here is more evidence:

10. Enjoy our beautiful planet before it’s engulfed in flames due to global warming and the upcoming end of days.

Some Gays choose to vacation on cheesy Gay cruises where everyone is on steroids and everyone feasts on ecstasy pills and protein powder whilst listening to circuit music on deck:

Don’t be one of those Gays. Instead, take a vacation to a beautiful, natural place. Often, gay homosexuals are too busy talking about Europe to notice there are a lot of nearby beautiful places to visit. If you’re in New York, flee to Storm King or the Dia:Beacon. If you’re in Southern California, take a hike at Tar Creek or take a gaggle of Gays and go camping at Catalina (I did that last year and it was to die for). The possibilities are endless. The world is a big beautiful place waiting for you to dive in:

So, there you have it. Your resolutions for 2013. Get to it, Gays!

You’re Welcome,
Orlando

Dear Andy Warhol,

I have been obsessed with you since I read your Diaries when I was 14. I started reading your Interview Magazine around the same time. This magazine epitomized (and still does) everything glamorous about living in New York: fashion, music, art, and the bohemian lifestyle of the city’s creative community.

I still subscribe to Interview after all theses years (yes, I still read magazines made out of paper) and receiving it always makes me happy. While the new issues of Interview are always great, I’ve developed a passion for the vintage ones. This passion began a few years ago when I was at a weird antique store with my mom in Wine Country and I came across this beautiful issue featuring Sylvester Stallone on the cover:

I’ve decided that vintage issues of Interview are THE coffee table accessory of 2013. Many of these vintage covers feature the amazing illustrative work of Richard Bernstein, a genius who arguably created the bright, poppy, graphic illustration style that defined the 80s. You can find vintage back issues of Interview on EBay and Etsy. I must insist you go online and find one for yourself immediately. I promise it will improve your life by at least 19%. Just check out these gorgeous covers:

My most recent acquisition is this amazing issue featuring Isabella Rossellini, another one of my obsessions. I was reading it this morning, snuggled in bed:

But something so beautiful shouldn’t be hidden in the bedroom, so I brought it out to display in the living room.

I love how stunning it looks on my ottoman/coffee table. Staring at it makes me happy. Go out and find yourself an old Interview. Right now. They are filled with awesome vintage advertisements, great celebrity interviews, and beautiful photographs and illustrations. Happy Hunting!

Love,
Orlando

Dear Helen Frankenthaler,

Remember when you sat in this room full of your paintings and it was like ‘Oh, my god’? Me neither, but this image shows me everything I’ve ever wanted in a living space: giant art, the color blue, and girl wearing a hairband. Because it is the dead of winter and we just did all that New Years resoluting, I have change on my mind. Which means that it’s time to maniacally makeover my apartment. I lucked out with my glamourous gay Melrose Place apartment building, but there are a few little things missing from my living space.

Here, in no particular order, are the elements I want to add to my apartment, Orlodgedo:

1. Black and White

Is it wrong that I liked the Beetlejuice house more after the crazy artist mom redecorated it? I loved how contrasty it was. And how awesome was that deck she added to the outside. And, if you’ll notice, it’s all black and white with pops of yellow. LOVE!

America’s beloved 80z Interior Design Barbie Kelly Weartsler also loves black and white and her use of it is just genius:

I love the graphic contrast black and white provide, so I bought this rug at Ikea. It’s called Rand and it was $299. I’ve seen these all over the place and that doesn’t really bother me because it’s such a good option for bringing some 80z contrast into your home. It pairs black and white in a playful, inventive, and thrilling way that hasn’t been seen since Michael Jackson’s Black or White video.

Nate Berkus (who I see at the gym sometimes because all Gays know each other) used this rug in his delightful New York apartment. It looks kind of like my rug, except his is richpeopletimez and mine is poorpeopletimez (his is by Madeline Weinrib, $2800). And, like Berkus’ perplexingly youthful hunkface, it looks oh so good:

2. Gold, Gold, and More Gold

Remember that time in history when all those people in pioneer costumes came to California in buggies and ran around fiending for gold and acting like the drunk robots on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? Well thank god they did, because gold is the best compliment to black and white.

Currently, my apartment is filled with grey and blue and is in need of more gold and other warm tones. Thus, I need these three things:

Sconces to flank the Japanese screen above the sofa.

Sonneman Palo Satin Brass Adjustable Sconce, $211.

An exciting new chandelier to liven up 2013 dinner parties (sidenote: this is the year of dinner parties, going to restaurants is so 2000′s).

Ridiculous Jonathan Adler chandelier for the dining room. $895.

The world’s best tray.

Amazing Tray That Rocks My World. $432.

3. A Japanese Screen

Over the weekend my boyfriend and I were sitting quietly, minding our own business, when we came to a shocking, terrifying, and exhilerating conclusion that we both love Japanese screens. Naturally, this lead to us trolling all over Craigslist until we found one, driving three hours, and then quickly putting it up before we had to run to dinner (as a rule Gays run to dinner, it helps them burn off some of the calories they plan on eating later). Here is the screen we found for $90. It’s 4′ x 6′ and it gleams in the morning light because it’s painted on gold silk.

I plan on framing it and then flanking it with the aforementioned sconces. Here is a detail of how awesome the print is:

Someday, when I feel like spending one gazillion dollars, I am going to buy an uberglamourous screen that looks like this:

Or this one:

4. A New Coffee Table

My coffee table (below) is starting to annoy me.

 Apparently putting your dirty shoes all over ivory upholstery gets it dirty, who knew? So now I want to replace it with something that doesn’t mind having coffee poured all over it. Like this one:

Zuo Sojourn Coffee Table, $499.

Or this one?

Zuo Modern Novel Steel Coffee Table, $1520.

Or this one?

Antique Mirror Top Coffee Table, $937.

5. More Color

In an apartment full of neutral and cool tones, it never hurts to add pops of color. Thus, I am obsessed with this circle painting and I want to make my own. Right now.

I still have this painting and I want to put it somewhere, but despite how normal-sized it looks in this photograph, it’s enormous and I’m not sure I’ll be able to fit it anywhere.

Because I love water, spheres, and the color aqua, I need these prints by Carl Van de Roer.

You too can buy them on 20×200. And you should. Then send them to me.

So there you go. These are the things I need in my lifespace or I will DIE. Because if watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition taught me anything, it’s that material things solve all of life’s issues, and if you have kids who are allergic to mold, you should pray that an attractive man with a tan leatherface shows up at your door with a loudspeaker and forces your neighbors to build you a new home for which you can’t afford the property taxes. So get to work, America! Let’s switch things up!

Love,
Orlando

Dear Diary,

I have these neighbors that live upstairs and sometimes my boyfriend and I sneak up to their deck to water their plants, luxuriate in the sun, and pretend we live there (they live in the penthouse right above us so this is very convenient). Yesterday, after a major succulent repotting session, we wandered into their apartment (invited in, sort of) and snooped around in their closets. I’m not a nosy person. Actually, scratch that, yes I am and I love looking at other people’s closets. This particular closet snoop was particularly fruitful because I found a bag filled with drawings I made  in 2010. This made sense because I’d lived in that apartment for a short stint while looking for my current apartment. Finding the drawings was exciting because I kind of forgot they existed so I thought I’d share them with you. So, here you go. Some illustrations of beheaded boys and men with moustaches. Happy Monday!

Ink and gouache on paper.

Ink on paper.

Graphite and gouache on paper.

Graphite on paper.

Ink and gouache on paper.

Graphite and gouache on paper.

All drawings are 11″ x 14.”

If I learned anything this weekend it was that snooping in other people’s closets is the best use of a Sunday. Who knows, maybe you’ll find some weird drawings of men that you can post on the internet!

Love,
Orlando

Dear Diary,

Remember that movie Single White Female? Where Bridget Fonda was all “Hay I’m Bridget Fonda I’m pretty and Jane Fonda is my auntie” and then Jennifer Jason Leigh is all “Hay Bridget Fonda I want to steal your boyfriend and stab you with a high heel.” I saw that movie when I was ten and it enriched my life forever. It’s just so good. Pretty girls running around an apartment trying to escape being murdered by high heels? It reminds me of a typical Saturday in West Hollywood. Anyway, I’ve been feeling pretty Single White Femaley recently, upon finishing up at my client Jon’s place. I’ve realized that, like the crazed maniac played by Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female, I’d like to steal my client’s identity just so I can live in his apartment.

As an interior decorator, you know you’ve done a good job if you secretly want to steal your client’s identity just so you can also live in the home you so lovingly decorated for them. I had a lot of fun doing Jon’s house, mainly because I got to buy him all the stuff I want for myself and he was cool with it. He was maybe the world’s easiest client. And part of me wanted to keep working on his house forever and ever just so that I could continue going to his house to talk to him about life, love, and success. One thing I’ve realized about myself is that I am one of the most co-dependant people in the whole world, so clients who want to talk about their feelings and hang out with me are my favorite.

Because Jon just moved from New York and his new Los Angeles home had such a classic stately design, I chose to decorate it as if it were a New York brownstone owned by a crazy art dealer. In all honesty, all I’ve ever wanted in life is to live in an apartment that looked like it belonged to a crazy New York artist, but I realize that’s a bit much for most people’s taste, so I held back a little bit.

Here is the living room. My favorite find was those Ikea shelves. $70 each is NOT bad. Every other shelving option I found was, like, $70,000.

Desk: $450 from Pepe’s Furniture, Chair: $239 from Blueprint Furniture, Sisal Rug: Rugs USA, Graphic Rug: Vintage Ikea, Sofa: Blueprint, Media Credenza: ModCrib LA, Drapery: $49.95 Werna Drape from Ikea

The desk was also a total barg. From a vintage store in Silverlake called Pepes.

Desk Lamp: Forsa Lamp, $29.99 from Ikea

If I had to spend the rest of my life loving and canoodling any piece of furniture, it would be these luscious chairs I had reupholstered in rich blue velvet. I want to stick them on my face. And then eat them. And then throw them up so I can eat them again. I love them that much.

Shelves: Vittsjo, $70 from Ikea, Pig Bookends: $29.95 from CB2, Chair: ModCrib LA, Basket Accessories: Ikea, Noguchi Lamps: OK Store, Vase: $24 from West Elm

I also love this grey chair. It’s squatty, wide, and inviting. Like your mom. And it used to be the ugliest chair known to man (see here). Like a contestant on that terrifying (and cancelled) television series “The Swan” this chair underwent a complete facelift that left it looking perky and cartoon-like.

Chair: $20 from St. Vincent de Paul, Sidetable: $45 from TINI, Throw: $29 from West Elm, Standing Lamp: $50 from Rose Bowl Flea Market

Jon is a writer so he wanted a transform this awkward nook into a little writing room where he could stand, write, and think about the future. I was more than happy to oblige, bestowing him with one of my favorite props, my hobo suitcase (beneath desk). It’s a well known fact that all writers need a hobo suitcase.

Desk: $449 from CB2, Stool: No Long Availale from West Elm, Lamp: $49 from Pottery Barn, Trunk and “O” Letter: $20 from Rose Bowl Flea Market

Because I believe it is imperative for all my clients to have perfect style down to the magazines they read, I bestowed Jon with some Mark Magazines and bulletin board full of inspiration (which he’s hopefully taken down by now).

Plants and planters: Mickey Hartigay Plants, Glass Vase: $10 from Rose Bowl Flea Market, Mark Magazine

If I had to crawl inside any piece of furniture and hide there for the rest of my life until the man of my dreams comes and finds me and asks me to marry him, I’d choose this crazy dresser. I painted it green and added that sassy hardware, which took it from barfy to beautiful in, like, 3 hours. (See before pics here).

Dresser: $150 from Wertz Brothers Furniture, Lamps: $20 each from St. Vincent de Paul, Art: $100, Emily’s Vintage Find at Rose Bowl Flea Market

These delightful and strangely-scaled lamps came out of an old hotel and were the perfect height for lighting the vintage architectural drawing Emily found at the flea market. And that sphere sculpture by Suzanne French goes everywhere with me (I took it home after the shoot). I’ve known that lady since I was a baby and I love everything she makes.

Sphere sculpture $100 by Suzanne French

Another fun find was this crazy inexpensive chandelier from West Elm. I mean, are you kidding me? $249 for that thing is like thievery. If you’ve ever shopped for a chandelier you know they cost millions of dollars. This one is a great scale and an even better price. Holler.

Chandelier: Staggered Chandelier $249 from West Elm, Table: $995 from HD Buttercup, King Chairs: Preben Chair, $119 from Ikea, Rug: Avine Ruta Rug, $249 from Ikea

Fiddle Leaf Fig: $60 from Mickey Hartigay Plants, Boat: $45 from Rose Bowl Flea Market

I made this Ruscha-esque piece by finding a nasty old print at the flea market for $10 and adding somber vinyl lettering to it. And there you go, flab to fab in ten minutes!

Art: DIY Lettering art by Orlando Soria, Rug: Soften Rug, $24.99 from Ikea, Basket: No Longer Available from West Elm, Plant and Planter: $60 from Mickey Hartigay Plants

Have you ever dreamed your headboard was a giant painting? I have. Actually, I wish everything was a giant painting. I wish I lived in a giant painting. I wish my car was a giant painting. I wish my boyfriend was a giant painting. So I made this headboard.

Headboard: DIY Headboard by Orlando Soria, Lamps: Arod Lamp from Ikea, Trunk: $250 from Wertz Brothers, Bedding: Nyponros Duvet set, $39.99 from Ikea, Drapes: Werna, $49.99 from Ikea

Like Ricky Martin revealing his homosexuality, these navy blackout drapes from Ikea are a welcome revelation. It’s very difficult to find blackout drapes at such a good price. But, hey girl hey, $49.99 for these babies. The rods and rings are also Ikea and pretty easy to install. Unless your walls are made out of concrete like Jon’s are. In which case installing anything takes the world’s biggest drill and, like, all the brute strength in your gay body.

Lamp: $255 from Lamps Plus, Chair: $359 from Urban Outfitters

Anyone who knows me knows the only thing I like to talk about (besides guys, shopping, and the mall) are “O” mirrors. This is because my name starts with “O” and I love circles. I found this bad boy at Wertz Brothers, a place where many of my dreams come true.

Highboy: $200 from Pepe’s Furniture, Lamp: Mia Table Lamp, $129 from West Elm, Mirror: $159 from Wertz Brothers

With a budget of $15,000, some elbow grease, and a good amount of pluck, I completely decorated and furnished the entire apartment. In the end, I realized I shouldn’t try to steal my client’s identity because that didn’t work out so well for Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female (hint: she dies in the end). I guess I’ll have to find another home to stab with a high heel. I mean, decorate.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Santa Monica,

I resent you. Not because you’re not appealing and I don’t appreciate your pretty coastal views and your superior coffee shops. But mostly because you’re so far away. When someone moves West from the central part of Los Angeles (West Hollywood, Hollywood, Los Feliz, Silverlake, etc), we all pretty much say goodbye to them. People who live on the West Side are pretty much dead to everyone else. This is why I found it so hard to work up the motivation to drive all the way to Santa Monica on Sunday to enjoy the Art Los Angeles Contemporary at the Barker Hangar in Santa Monica. Despite having a totally awkward name (doesn’t it seem like “Art” and “Los Angeles” should switch places?), the event was a ton of fun, filled with art that I coveted which filled me both with delight at how beautiful it was and overwhelmed me with sadness that I could not own each and every piece. Someday I want to be an art thief and just steal all the art I want and have the most glamorous house filled with art and everyone will be jealous. Except for Donny Deutsch, who already has an amazing art collection (details to follow).

This is the Barker Hangar, which at some point had airplanes in it and now just houses glamourous art events.

And onto the art, which speaks for itself:

Alexander Kroll

Alexander Kroll

Thomas Dozol

Gay Sidenote: Thomas Dozol is dating Michael Stipe (REM) and they live in a glamorous apartment in Lower Manhattan. Read the article about and see proof here:

Jon Pylypchuk

Shirana Shahbazi

Sarah Cain

Mark Flood

Thomas Jeppe

ACE Gallery

Yunhee Min

Yunhee Min

Yunhee Min

Denis Darzacq

Denis Darzacq

Matthew Stone

Matthew Stone

Matthew Stone

Lee Materazzi

Lee Materazzi

Mel Bochner

Adam Belt

Kelsey Brookes

Kelsey Brookes

Luka Finiesen

Luka Finiesen

Cathryn Boch

This is actually a beach towel, but they displayed it as a painting and I thought it was genius:

 Rirkrit Tiravanija

Alyssa Phoebus Mumtaz

The Art Los Angeles Contemporary was a beautiful event, full of amazing art and stylish men in ironic, wide-legged capri pants (don’t even ask me what that is, I’m still processing). The sky was dark and tumultuous, much like the storm of art-desire that brewed within my heart.

Someday, I want to live in a place like Donny Deutsch’s Crazy Manhattan Townhouse. I don’t even know if I like the style, but you really can get away with a lot stylistically when you have Warhols hanging on the wall:

Oh yeah, that’s just my Damien Hirst above the sofa. Glamour.

Barbara Kruger. I’ve always loved her. GIMME.

So, there we have it. If I don’t buy millions of dollars worth of art, get a giant house to put it in, and spend the rest of my life staring at it I will consider my life a complete failure.

Love,

Orlando

Check out my post on Emily’s Blog about Alt Summit, how I survived, and how it felt to be surrounded by 650 adorable hipster ladybloggers.

Dear Boy Scouts of America,

Remember that one time you banned gays from your organization, even though like half of everyone that was ever a Boy Scout is gay? Think about it, anyone who wants to run around in the woods, make crafts (pinewood derby anyone?), wear tiny navy blue shorts, and do role playing games where you pretend to be Paul Bunyon is probably a homosexual. As a former Scout myself, I was offended when you decided to make the ban on gays official.

As a Boyscout, you learn to be resourceful, inventive, and to make a tent out of your old clothing and some sticks you find in the woods. Boy Scouts are taught to survive in the harsh wilds of the forest, scavenging for food and making comfortable forts out of found objects. With just a few items, they can make a comfortable living environment in the middle of the woods.

You know who else can take a bunch of junk and turn it into a glamorous house? The Gays. Which is why it’s so rude that you banned us. Below are some examples of Gays that have created beautiful, comfortable homes you’d be proud to camp out in. So, take that, Boy Scouts! You may have kicked us out but we sought solace in these gorgeous interiors. (Or at least this list of rich people did).

Oh, but wait, before we get to the rich people, check out my (Gay) apartment on Refinery 29!

Photo by Erin Yamagata, see full article here.

Ok, not onto rich people…

1. Elton John and David Furnish in Architectural Digest

The design of this place, in a high-rise on the West Hollywood, Beverly Hills border, is ultra Gay. But super fun. Just like Elton and David!

2. Ricky Martin in Home Bunch

Like Ricky Martin himself, his Golden Beach, Florida home is cheesy, big, and a little bit sexy. Here is Ricky Martin’s beautiful body:

And here is his ugly house:

3. Randolph Duke in Architectural Digest

Like you, I wasn’t really sure who Randolph Duke was.

But his (former) house, designed by famed architecture firm XTEN, is pretty awesome, full of angles sharper than Victoria Beckham’s cheekbones.

I have no idea what is going on in this crazy space, but I like how it feels like “The Jetsons.”

4. Gore Vidal in Luxist

Oh Gore Vidal, how I envy every aspect of your life. Except the whole self-loathing, biting critic part. Here you are with JFK:

And here’s your glamourous Hollywood Hills home. Spanish and filled with art and objects. It’s classic Gay Man at its best.

5. Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi in Architectural Digest

Just when you thought this blonde power couple couldn’t get any cuter, here is their ridiculously awesome house. Oh that I could die and come back to have two mommies. And that those two mommies were these ladies. And that I could live in this dope house. Dreams…

 6. Tom Ford in Hooked On Houses

Tom Ford’s obnoxiously immaculate aesthetic translates well into fashion:

It also translates well into interiors. Check out his totally perfect London Townhouse. I get the feeling that dating Tom would be totally annoying. Like he wouldn’t let you sleep in the bed because he didn’t want you to wrinkle the sheets. So he’d make you sleep on the floor. Which would be worth it I guess because then the bedroom would always look like this:

7. Fashion photographer Steven Meisel in Architectural Digest

Famed (and openly gay) photographer Steven Meisel lives in this mid-century/regency wonder redesigned by Marmol Radziner.

I die for this library. So many books to ogle and caress and love.

8. Brad Goreski in Paper Magazine.

Sometimes I see this guy at the gym and I get really excited and scared. You know what else makes me excited and scared? The fact that he’s like 30 years old and lives in this CRAZY Hollywood Hills home. I hate him. But I love him. But mostly I hate him.

Can you imagine how many adorkable baths he takes in here? Wearing nerd glasses and a bow tie?

Those leather sling chairs. Come to me my darlings.

9. Nate Berkus in Architectural Digest.

Another person to hate out of jealousy, Nate Berkus “lives” in this awesome Manhattan apartment. I say “lives” because I see him with his equally adorable boyfriend Jeremiah Brent in LA all the time (most recently at Rose Bowl Flea Market a few weeks ago). Anyway, Nate, if you’re reading this, do you mind just giving me your New York apartment? I’m super clean and that way you can hang out with Jeremiah, like, every day. Everyone wins!

10. Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Justin Mikita in The Coveteur.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and his boyfriend Justin Mikita are kind of the cutest couple ever. And their home is full of character.

How much do you love this illustration? I want. By Dazel Todd.

That sofa and rug are a lot of pattern, but somehow it works. Well done!

So, there you have it. Ten examples of why Gays are good at setting up camp (in their own homes). Thus, Boy Scouts of America, as you consider whether or not to lift your ban on Gays, think about all the luxurious houses you’ll be invited to if you do so. Because if there’s one faction of our society who knows how to take a dump and turn it into a palace, it’s the Gays. And yes I know that was a terrible stereotype that just set us back 50 years, but it’s true. It’s true because I said so.

Love,
Orlando

PS: Don’t forget to read my interview on Refinery 29!

Dear People Who Grew Up Watching The Super Bowl,

I didn’t. I’d actually never seen the Super Bowl until I moved to Los Angeles. Arguably, I still have never watched one because I never pay attention. The only thing I remember about last year’s Super Bowl is that Chevy commercial with “We Are Young” by Fun. Remember when that song was new last year? Before it had been played so much that every time it came on the radio you wanted to transport yourself into medieval times just so you could find a sword long enough to stick in your ears so you’d never have to hear it again? Yeah, that. That’s what I remember about the Super Bowl.

Everything changed in 2008 when I moved to Los Angeles and attended my first ever Super Bowl party. Like most Gay things I have encountered in Los Angeles, it was completely ridiculous, totally glamourous, and entirely centered around the pool. For those of you who have never attended a Gay Super Bowl Party, I’m going to break it down right now. Don’t be scared. If it gets too intense you can turn away at any time. Just kidding don’t leave me I need you. (I’m scared). Without further introduction, here are ten things you can expect to find at a Gay Super Bowl Party:

1. A glamorous, sun-drenched pool:

Where all the guests look like this:

Let’s face it, no one is going to watch the game. Why waste this perfectly pretty pool and this gorgeous 80 degree February day?

2. A glamorous, sun-drenched house:

Like Gay pool Parties, most Gay Super Bowl parties take place at fancy mansions in the Hollywood Hills.

Sidenote: because I am a lover of design and spaces, I tend to avoid including people in my photographs. Humans, with their flailing limbs and questionable fashion choices, can muddle up a photograph, turning a well-composed image into a busy disgusting mess. Thus,  most of these pictures have no people in them, even though the party was full of happy, elated homosexuals. (And one girl).

3. A home decorated in Keith Harings:

Every rich Gay man owns a Keith Haring. This is because Gays have good taste and Keith Haring is awesome. Someday, when I am a rich Gay man, I will also own a Keith Haring. It’s all part of the great, grand circle of life.

4. Bartenders dressed like football players:

Gays pull off theme parties better than anyone, so they make sure that even their bartenders fit into their Super Bowl/Football party aesthetic. Sadly, because most football jerseys are large and flowy, the bartender’s 16 pack abs wont be visible as he serves vodka tonics. Gays know sacrifices must be made for a party to reach its full thematic potential.

5. City views that distract you from watching the game and/or commercials:

While the rest of California is rooting for the 49ers, Gays will be standing on a terrace appreciating the beauty of the world. This is way more fun than watching dudes stand around then tackle each other then stand around again. I promise.

6. A hot tub that automatically begins bubbling at dusk:

Gay inventors have ensured that fun continues on into dusk and evening hours by creating hot tubs that immediately start bubbling the second the sun starts to dip in the sky. This way, no one gets sad that the day is ending. There is much to look forward to. A reason to continue living.

7. Gays that actually want to watch the game. You know who you are:

Strangely, some Gays actually want to watch the game. At first you think they are just trying to seem butch because they have some sort of annoying hang up that forces them to fetishize the hegemonic version of masculinity with which they were raised. But then you realize they actually like football. At which point you realize you can never be friends because they are basically aliens. I’m from Northern California. Anyone who knows anything knows that people from Northern California only like baseball and soccer. And NPR and Volvos. And Phillip Glass. And the New Yorker. Okay I’ll stop.

8. A luxurious food spread that no one will touch:

Gays are the world’s best hosts, so they serve only the most beautiful treats. However, because guests will be running in and out of the pool, nearly naked, most are scared to eat the delectables on display. Resisting pretty food, that is the Gay Man’s burden.

9. An enormous television that overlooks an enormous pool that overlooks an enormous city:

In order to be able to fully appreciate the Super Bowl, you should be able to see the television from the pool. This ensures that people don’t have to get out of the pool to see what’s going on with the Super Bowl commercials. Removing a Gay from the pool before he is ready to leave can cause severe trauma to the skin and subsequently tremendous psychological damage. You can never allow a Gay to get cold or uncomfortable. As lovers of warm locales and the beach/pool aesthetic, frigidity is something that can be especially harmful to their beautiful, coconut-scented skin.

10. 500 Gays waiting for all those football/commercial interruptions to be over so that the Beyoncé concert can start.

Let’s face it. Most people, especially the Gays, are watching the Super Bowl to see Beyoncé lip-synching her halftime show. Speaking of which, I have no problem with lip-syncing. Unless you are at the inauguration of our president, whose presidency has been the most historically important presidency of our lifetime.

So, there we go. This is what you will see if you attend a Gay Super Bowl Party. While the rest of (lucky) America gets to each chips and drink beer, sitting inside fully clothed, the Gays will be having a swimsuit runway show around the pool, occasionally running inside to see if any of the commercials are funny. This is just the natural order of things. Do not resist it.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Marlon Brando and James Dean,

You two were the first dudes to successfully rock leather jackets. As hunky movie stars of the golden age of Hollywood, you knew the leather jacket was the must-have clothing article. Here is Marlon in what is perhaps the most adorable outfit a man ever wore:

And nobody beats James in these luxe leather jackets:

I know smoking is bad, but he makes it look so cool.

Because it is kind of like the desert, Los Angeles gets chilly at night, even on sunny summer days. Thus, I have been fantasizing about buying a new leather jacket, even as Spring peeks it’s little head around the corner. A leather jacket comes in handy for Cinespia and nights at the Hollywood Bowl. Here are some glamourous options I found:

$396 from Skingraft

$175 from ASOS

$1395 from Ralph Lauren

$300 from Topman

$788 from Skingraft

$1195 from Ralph Lauren

$4980 from Bottega Veneta 

$175 from ASOS

$555 from UNIS

$3995 from Ralph Lauren Black Label

I’ll take one of each. Thanks.

Love,
Orlando

Check out the delightful accessories I stare at all day on my Guest Post on Emily’s Blog.

Dear Couples,

The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. “Nothing, I’m not big into Valentines Day,” he replied. At which point I burst into tears and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Just kidding. No I didn’t. Because I also hate Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching The Great Mouse Detective and drinking Diet Coke out of a liter container, thinking about the fact that if I died at that very moment, I would not be found for days.

I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. Which makes sense because I’m super bitter about Valentines Day. But it’s a stupid holiday, right? Why do we really need a day to celebrate couples? Aren’t they celebrated enough on a daily basis? Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? What are single people supposed to do? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? Gross.

This is a rough time of the year to be single, when everything around you is telling you you’re lame for not having a partner. But I’m here to tell you the opposite. You’re lame if you have a partner. Couples are annoying. I know this because I am part of a couple and I am annoying.

You see evidence of the obnoxiousness of couples everywhere you look. The other night my boyfriend and I joined some friends for dinner at their lovely, mid-century home in the Hollywood Hills. These are the kind of guys that sort of make you gag because they’re so perfect. They’re handsome, well-educated, successful, and friendly. They invited me and my boyfriend and one other couple to dinner. To our shock, delight, and terror, the third couple that showed up turned out to be totally smarmy. They practically made out at the table and called each other pet names the whole time. They nuzzled noses and gave each other congratulatory kisses after every sentence, as if it were the most brilliant thing ever uttered. This is when I came to a realization about relationships: couples are annoying. I am annoying. I hate couples. I hate myself.

This is not to say that I don’t love my boyfriend. I very much do. In fact, every day I wake up expecting to get dumped because he puts up with so many of my shenanegins. Most of his time is spent listening to me whining about the fact that I look like a sea cucumber in Mr. Potato Head costume and that I have nothing to wear. And then he has to tell me I don’t look like a sea cucumber wearing a Mr. Potato Head costume and that I’m lucky to even have clothes. It’s a vicious daily cycle. I’d venture to guess we are just as annoying as that couple that made out at the dinner table. Or perhaps worse. It’s probable that we are the most annoying couple in the whole world.

So singles, if you are reading this, revel in the fact that you are cooler than couples. There are so many things that make couples more obnoxious than the average single person. Here is a short list of annoying things couples do:

1. You say “we” instead of “I.”

Do you have couplefriends that answer everything in “we”? As in, “We love your house!” Why don’t you just speak for yourself? Are you no longer a person? Do you have only one half of one brain now that you’re in a relationship? No one wants to hear your “we” speak all the time, it’s grating and exhausting.

2. You make everyone else feel like a third wheel.

Do you have couple friends that invite you to the movies with them then spend the whole time telling each other secrets and then quietly laughing? And then you ask them what they’re laughing about and they’re like “nothing!” (whilst still stifling laughter). These types of couples are the worst, and should be banished to islands where they can watch all the stupid movies they want in peace, without having to include anyone else in their hilarious banter.

3. You were more fun when you were single.

To exercise their adventurous spirit, single people jump off rocks and stay up tip 8 AM at Coachella. Couples, on the other hand, express their adventurousness by watching New Girl and trying the new kind of lentil soup from Trader Joe’s (side note: it’s really delicious {I’m so lame! [ugh!]}).

4. Inviting you to parties is way less exciting because you’re not going to hook up with anyone.

Let’s be real, the best part of a party is afterwards when you can talk about who hooked up with who and then judge them while secretly wondering if they are having more fun than you. You can be like “Oh my god, Brian totally hooked up with Hollis and EVERYONE saw!” Couples destroy this potential for drama by only canoodling each other. What’s the fun in talking about a couple going home together? Snooze.

5. Because the dramatic relationship you have with your boyfriend seems interesting to you, but is boring to everyone else.

Do you have couple friends who constantly talk to you about the fights they have, the emotional issues that are tearing them apart? And at first you’re thankful that they’re telling you these stories because it makes them seem all the more human. But then that becomes all they talk about and you’re left wondering why you ever encouraged them to talk in the first place because now you’ve become their therapist and they wont stop dumping their problems all over you?

6. You and your boyfriend look alike, and that’s creepy.

You have the same skin color, the same eye color, and you wear the same outfits that you both bought at LASC. Stop it. You’re scaring everyone. We can’t tell you apart anymore and the fact you’re dating someone who looks that much like you is just further proof that you’re an egomaniac and a pervert.

7. Because inviting you means we have to invite your totally annoying boyfriend.

Remember when we used to have fun dinner parties where we’d all sit around and laugh together and be so happy that we were friends? Well now that inviting you means I have to invite your obnoxious, sullen boyfriend we never have those fun dinners anymore. I miss the days when you were single and I could hang out with you without having to include your mood-ruining other half.

8. You just nuzzled noses. At. The. Dinner. Table.

We get it. You love each other and need to show it. But do we really have to watch? (However, I kind of do want to watch these two nuzzle noses. Is that wrong?).

9. You act like you’ve been married for ten years and you’ve been dating for two weeks.

Do you have couple friends that are like “Big new guys! We’re buying a HOUSE!” And then you’re like “But you just met last week!” And they look at you like you’re speaking gibberish, as if everyone dates for a week and then moves in together. Some couples move superfast and act like it’s normal and talk about getting married after like three dates. Which sometimes means they will fall in love and last forever, but more often means they’re actual psychopaths and their relationship is going to end in exactly 17 days.

10. Now that you’ve entered coupledom your only hobby is shopping flea markets to find vintage furniture for your awesome house.

Gays, with their great taste and clever shopping tactics, have a superior ability to find cool stuff at flea markets and vintage stores. When you multiply this by two you have an unfair shopping advantage that means they’re stealing great finds from single people everywhere, and that’s not right. How are they supposed to get laid if they can’t trick out their apartment with awesome flea market finds? Selfish.

11. Let’s face it, sluts are more fun.

Yes, single people, I’m kind of calling you sluts here. But in a good way. A way that makes you seem fun and young. Like young, single Anjelica Houston or young, single James Dean in their heydays. Different friends represent different parts of your personality. Single friends allow you to express your carefree, adventurous side while couplefriends allow you to express the side of you that wants to sit on a LazyBoy eating marshmallows all day. Which one would you choose?

12. You have twice the wardrobe because you’re the same size as your boyfriend and that’s just not fair to the rest of us who have to buy all our own clothes.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain a wardrobe these days? For example, camo is already out even though it just came back in after going back out after coming back in like 2 years ago. And varsity jackets are so necessary but in two weeks they are going to be frowned upon. It’s not fair that you have twice the amount of clothing just because you’re in a relationship.

13. You save money on rent by co-habitating, and that is also not fair to the rest of us who have to pay our own damn rent.

Everyone else has to pay their own rent, and so should you! Why should you have a spare bedroom and an office just because you have a boyfriend?

14. Because you use the phrase “Date Night.”

The term “Date Night” is annoying. What are we 16, finally allowed to go on dates for the first time? Are we animated dogs on a magical date in Italy, destined to suck on one piece of spaghetti until we accidentally kiss? Instead of “Date Night” why not just say “Business Meeting”? It’s far less annoying and it makes you sounds important. Sometimes when I am going to dinner with my boyfriend I tell people I have an important meeting with very powerful Japanese business men (the Japanese part is crucial because Japan is better than America, I hope you knew that). This lie not only relieves people of having to hear the term “date night” it also makes me sound powerful and important. Which really is the only reason to ever say anything at all.

15. You post pictures of your obnoxious smarmy dates and your stupid glamorous vacations all over Facebook while constantly writing saccharine status updates professing your love.

I know, I know! I told you to do this in my Resolutions post. But I didn’t think you’d take me so seriously. I’m a blogger, for God’s sake, which basically means I’m a hobo that somehow got access to a computer. And I never said anything about professing your love on Facebook. That’s weird and uncomfortably intimate. That’s what texting is for. Duh.

16. Because your on-again, off-again relationship is constantly forcing your friends to choose whose side they’re on.

Stop breaking up with your boyfriend, dumping all over me about it, forcing me to hear all sorts of terrible things about him, and then getting back together with him the next day. It’s exhausting and it makes me feel funny inside. Kind of like that picture of Nicole Ritchie running on the beach wearing a bikini.

17. You only hang out with other couples.

Hey, Couples! Wanna know something interesting? Just because people are single doesn’t mean they are uninterested in your game night. Or that they don’t want to come on your couples trip to Ojai. Oh wait, yes it does. Nevermind.

I hope you enjoyed hearing me rant about why I hate couples and thus why I hate myself. This Valentines Day, I venture to guess I’ll be doing what I did last year. And the year before that. Which was gather up a group of friends and go out to dinner. Because I’ve been single my whole life up til now, Valentines has always been a time to celebrate the love I share with my family and friends. I can stare lovingly at my boyfriend (privately, in secret shame, without telling anyone) whenever I want, but V-Day remains a time to get together with friends, grab a drink, and talk about what a stupid holiday it is and how it was created by the greeting card industry to make money. So this holiday, screw couples. Let’s drink to family and friends whilst making fun of the couple canoodling at the table next to us. It’s only fair.

Love,
Orlando

PS: I got my pet peeves about couples off my chest. What are yours? Tell me everything!

Dear John Monn,

I love your beautiful art. It’s filled with texture, color, and an undercurrent of unease. Read your artist statement here:

I am exploring the differences between the hunter and hunted, and ultimately, what is sacred and what is disposable in our society. In this latest series in my body of work I am attempting to navigate a path for viewers to look back to simpler times. Maybe some illumination of the present can be found along the way.

Drawing has always been the immediate way I make art. Years of pointillism, with slow deliberate accumulation of detail, changed the way I think about constructing a piece.  Representational works on paper with ink dots evolved into the ammunition of testosterone- fueled suburban youth, airsoft BBs. Tangible “monuments to the disposable” the pellets are arranged in shot- pattern abstractions and frozen in time.

Blowing up cheap plastic toy army men with firecrackers was a hallowed rite of passage among my young peers. We buried, burned, melted and destroyed these disposable men in routine play. What we were thinking and why were our imaginations so fully engaged? Why were we ultimately compelled to destroy these simple, inanimate miniature replicas?  Why were they created and manufactured?

It is now 20+ years since that time and I am still wondering about that, as well as many other personal and societal compulsions we live with in our complex world. From that experience I have employed these now-haunted toys to suggest four personifications (the hunter, the hunted, sacred heroes and the disposable) simultaneously. By using epoxy and melted plastic I group the figures that are associated with childhood and nostalgia in a contemporary context that mirrors our adult attempts to conquer with limited loss.

I will always draw.  But along the way I am compelled to find expression with other media in response to the world around me, as my inner world is stirred and inspired. 

 [John Monn]

And now onto the work:

PXLT

Airsoft ammunition and epoxy resin on canvas over panel, with metal coating.  20″ x 20″. 2012.

Details:

SOLAR

1/4″ brass ball bearings and tinted epoxy on canvas over panel. 16″ diameter. 2012.

RFLCT

Plastic army men and epoxy on canvas chromed. 35″ x 32″.2012.

TARP/T

Plastic army men, enamel and epoxy on canvas over panel. 24″ x 24″. 2013

VRTX

6mm glow in the dark (tracers) airsoft ammunition and epoxy on canvas over panel. 42″ x 42″. 2012.

VECTOR POTENT/AL

B27 target, copper coated steel shot and tinted epoxy on canvas over panel. 22″ x 22″. 2012.

Detail:

INFERNO

Cowboys and Indians toys embedded in epoxy resin on canvas over panel. 40″ diameter. 2012.

MLTD

Melted plastic army men and epoxy on canvas over panel, chromed. 14″ x 21″. 2012.

Detail:

LUNAR

1/4″ aluminum ball bearings and tinted epoxy on canvas over panel. 16″ diameter. 2012.

QU/CKSAND

Plastic army men, enamel, concrete and epoxy on canvas over panel. 20″x 24.”

Thanks for the work, keep it up!

Love,
Orlando

PS: Visit John’s website to see which of these are available for purchase and contact him about buying. And then buy something. Support artists. They’re our last hope for the future.

Dear LAEX,

Yesterday I went to the flea market with my boyfriend and a couple friends. I wore a hoodie, jeans, and my favorite new shirt from LAEX. When it got warm and I took off my hoodie to reveal the t-shirt underneath, everyone looked at me in disgust and worry. “Didn’t you wear that shirt last night? And the night before?” Yes. Yes I did. I can’t seem to take off this white t-shirt. It’s everything I want to be. It’s soft and drapey and comfortable.

My inspiration for wearing simple white shirts comes from my obsession with 1950s Paul Newman and James Dean, who helped create that all-American jeans and t-shirt look. Also, Paul Newman is the most beautiful man that ever lived. If I could re-animate his dead body, turn him gay, and marry him I totally would. I love him that much.

Side note: Did you know Paul Newman was besties with Gore Vidal? I did, and that’s part of the reason I’m obsessed with him. That and his face. And body. And soul.

And James Dean. I know it’s trite to talk about how attractive/classic/iconic he is but he really was the best hanger for a white t-shirt. Ever. In history.

Here is the asymmetrical shirt I love from LAEX.

Assymetrical Modal -Shirt from LAEX, $70.

I’m not sure if you’ve been alerted, but tight collars are out. Who wants to get strangled by his shirt? The trend in necklines is that they are getting wider and bigger. Like your mom.

The fabric of this tee is amazingly soft and the seams are beautifully done. The tee looks kind of crazy when you let the asymmetrical flap lay flat (as show on the model) but it looks great tucked in and solves the problem I often have with awkward t-shirt bunching.

I’d pair this delightful shirt with a nice pair of Levi’s and some leather shoes.

Jeans from Levi’s, $68.

Leather shoes from Topman, $130.

I could wear this simple outfit every day, for the rest of my life, until it rots off my gross body.

Yay?

Love,
Orlando

Dear Reader,

Most days of my life these days are spent working alongside Emily Henderson. We decorate houses. We talk about guys, shopping, and the mall. We write for her blog, stylebyemilyhenderson.com, which just underwent a totally glamorous makeover.

We also do the following:

1. Laugh whilst drinking lattes.

2. Pose with our daughter, Bonnie Sue.

3. Stare out the window, looking for peeping Toms.

All photos by Kimberly Genevieve for The Everygirl. (Yes, I was in a publication called The Everygirl. [I'm every woman/It's all in me]).

So what does this have to do with you, you ask? Everything. Emily’s blog is up for an incredibly prestigious award given by Apartment Therapy every year. The Homies. The Homies are basically the oscars of the design blog world. So please go to Apartment Therapy, vote for Emily, and then give yourself a pat on the back. If you don’t do this, Emily and I will become failures and then we will be homeless and it will be all your fault. Don’t you want to help the homeless? Vote for Emily (click here). Right now.

Love,
Orlando